Dear HW,
I have been dating long distance for a year now. Him and I are very happy together and make it work as best we can. We started as friends with benefits and our relationship and feelings towards one another continue to grow every day. We have not become exclusive, yet we don’t see or want other people. I don’t mind not having the status as a couple, but I think I’m starting to get to the point of actually loving this guy… Now when it comes to love, I’m not positive if he holds the same feelings as I do. Should I tell him that I love him or keep it to myself to ensure not to scare him away? If I tell him, how do I say it? HELP!

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

My view may not be popular, but I’d back into that conversation,  The next time you’re together in person, tell him how happy you are to see him (which is true).  Tell him (in words that feel right to YOU) that your feelings for him have gotten stronger, that you aren’t seeing anyone else, that you think this FWB may be something more.

Then ask him how he feels.

Listen to his answer.

Does he agree unequivocally or does he spill out some noncommittal reply?

If he agrees with you about deepening feelings and/or not wanting to be with anyone else, you can go further and tell him you might love him.  If he sounds noncommittal., you have your answer and you can dial back on the emotion.

If you really don’t want to lose him and he acts like it’s no big deal, then be light and fun.  Enjoy your time together, but don’t expect anything more.

If it hurts too much, you can  tell him how you really feel,  but you might lose him.  That you love him is beautiful.  And expressing that feeling might be necessary to you REGARDLESS of how he responds.

When I was first with the guy who later became my boyfriend, I told him I was only up for FWB.  A few weeks later I’d stopped seeing other people and within some months, he told me he loved me.  I felt the same way.  So, feelings can change from being really casual.

But if you don’t want to lose him, take it slow and see how he responds to a less serious declaration of your feelings before you mention love.

Good luck, please let me know how things works out,

Debbie